1. Sandals at the Gym
The only guy that can wear sandals at the gym is Jesus—and that’s only because he can do whatever the heck he wants. Also, I think that’s the only pair of shoes he owns. Everyone else needs to invest in a pair of sneakers—or at least close-toed shoes. For one thing, it’s gross. I don’t want to look at the hangnail on your big toe while I’m pumping iron. Also, have you not seen all the terrifying videos on YouTube regarding gym injuries? Bros, if you keep those damn flip-flops on, the only thing that’s gonna get swol are your toes.
2. Topless little girls
If you are on a beach, at a pool, or near any form of water that a toddler can splash in, you are bound to see female pee-wees running around half naked. I suppose it is really embarrassing to have tan lines, and they don’t technically have boobs yet, so why not? Why not?!!! Well, for starters—what about that creepy man wearing coke-bottle glasses, and petting the tiny albino mouse on his lap? Wait—that’s not a mouse!
My sister and me as victims (circa 1997)
3. Basically, My 7th Grade Year
Alright Millennials, who remembers middle school? Who remembers dragging your mother into Hollister and Abrecrombie and Fitch every chance that you got? *shivers* You know what else is dark and has a strong distinct odor? Hell. I know this because one time, I was there. For some reason, these two stores made a huge comeback in Europe. The only thing that I can hope is that the scent doesn’t waft over to the States.
4. Wifi
Dear America,
I don’t know what is taking so long. Why don’t you have Wifi everywhere like a normal country?
Ugh,
-Cassidy
5. Knowing, Like Three Languages
Dear America,
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why do you insist on making us dumb? Do you not see the benefits of bilingual education? You have forced me to attempt to learn Spanish using a shitty iPhone App and let Czech children teach me words like “poop” in another language.
Ugh, (again—but, like I still love you)
-Cassidy
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