How Aliens Would Interpret These Five Earth Names

We’ve assigned aliens quite a few dumb names: Mac, E.T., Experiment 626, Bumblebee, Mac (again), Superman, even  Gary Busey–the list goes on and on. Generally speaking, very little creativity goes into what we call our space neighbors. On the contrary, parents spend countless hours with their noses in baby name books searching for the perfect name for their human bundles of joy. So what exactly would an alien think of an earth name? Well after some super legitimate input from the universe on five different Earth names, it is clear that aliens might deserve those wAcKy names after all!

Also looks like the surprised emoji (see last post)

Michael:

“The name Michael gained wide popularity after the 1996 movie starring an Earth actor named John. There is some confusion as to why the name “Michael” gained more popularity than “John”, but some alien Earthists believe it was due to the really awesome wings that the “Michael” character had during the film. John had nothing that Michael didn’t, and when humans name babies, they want them to be associated with names that have cooler things. There is some research that suggests the name “Michael” can be translated to “Got to have faith-da-faith-da-faith”, but it’s a rough translation from an ancient Earth language and unreliable” -Dr. Kang Green E.T. (Rigel IV)

Eleni:

“I think Hercules invented the name Eleni. If you watch the 1997 Earth children’s movie about the life of Hercules backwards while listening to Jennifer Anniston’s voice and wearing a Giannis Antetokounmpo jersey, you will get one clear message: Hercules came up with the name Eleni. Supposedly it’s just a universal legend, but, like, my boyfriend’s sister’s pet Flondorp was being watched by a female from Uranus last weekend that did it. And it worked.” -Dlan E.T. (Amphibios 9)

Paige:

“Reading has become such a hard thing for humans to do since the invention of palm pilots in 1998. This technology has stormed Earth, and humans now have everything downloaded directly into their minds now. Some particluarly nostalgic humans decided to name their Earth babies after one of the key elements of reading: paiges.  Paiges are tiny markings that represent meanings and ideas. They are printed on these things called ‘words’. If you are named ‘Paige’ on Earth, your parents are super old fashioned, and you probably will get grounded a lot.” – Kodus Kogen E.T. (Rigel IV)

Katelyn:

“Katelyn is derived from the human word ‘cat’. Earth cats have been worshiped throughout Earth history–and rightfully so. Egyptians idolized them with statues and modern humans with the internet boom of 1999. Although Earth cats are not as advanced as some other felines of the universe, they have clearly impacted their world greatly, and we deeply admire them for what they have done.” -Snowball 9 E.T. (Thuban)

Molly:

“A strong female name that echoes the strong Earth food it was derived from: mole sauce. Mole sauce has been an integral part of the human diet. It provides strength, nutrients, and flavor to foods that may otherwise be flavorless and dull. There are 2000 different spellings of the name “Molly” and 2000 different ways to prepare the delicious sauce. You can order it through a universal sauce portal for super cheap. I have a coupon if you would like to try it!” -Tzzzh E.T. (Gazorpazorp)

 

 

Curious what aliens might think of your name? Chat with a little green man today! Follow me for updates 😉

#Pray4Cass

One night during my eighth grade year I was spending the night at a new friend’s house. Naturally, I got my period that night, so I asked if I could borrow a tampon *insert ‘why would you want to give it back’ joke*. My friend directed me to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.  I did not find tampons. I found tiny cotton bullets. These things were no larger than my smallest finger, and they lacked the most essential part of any feminine product: a plastic applicator.

Let me back up for any gentlemen whose eyes might be grazing these words–a plastic applicator is more than just some plastic thing on a tampon. It is a hot cup of soup and shelter on a dark and stormy night. It is the box of tissues next to the throne in case you run out of toilet paper. It is taco Tuesday at your favorite Mexican place. Basically, it just makes sense. If a tampon doesn’t have a plastic applicator, it’s a foreign cotton swab that can be used to absorb stuff. You spend over thirty-seven minutes in the bathroom trying to insert the damn thing, until finally you decide to just steal a maxi pad instead. There is nothing worse than these little boogers–except maybe everyone’s Facebook posts about Hobby Lobby. Thankfully, this had been my only run in with these atrocities–until now.

I knew when I went to Europe things would be different. I would find the toilet flusher on the top of the toilet. I would have to start drinking more beer because it is cheaper than water. And I would have to adapt to new plugins that looked like surprised emojis.

Adorable.

What I didn’t anticipate was a nightmare I hadn’t even given a moment’s thought to in nearly a decade. Yes, Europeans don’t have plastic applicators on their tampons. I scavenged through the aisles of a local drug store for nearly an hour. When I finally worked up the courage to ask the store clerk where the sane tampons were in broken Czechlish, she responded that they do not carry that type of feminine product (in perfect English of course).  So, I bought a package of maxi pads and headed home like this:

I am currently accepting prayers and boxes of unscented Tampax regulars. I appreciate any and all support during this difficult time. #Pray4Cass