How to Stand Out at a Sports Marketing Fair

You recently (or not recently at all) graduated with an English degree, and you have (had) no idea what you are (were) going to do for a ‘real job’, so when one of the baseball teams you like sends out an email regarding a sports marketing job fair, you decide to sign up. Why not?  You just recently started following basketball and you watched an entire hockey game at a bar once. The ability to communicate is essential to any work community, right? So break out the business casual and follow these steps that will surely help you stand out.

 

1. Paint your face.

People are more passionate about sports than the fact that I still haven’t found ranch in the Czech Republic (which I find incrediblydisturbing). Go ahead and show prospective employers that sports and sporting events are exactly what makes your blood pump, and there is no better way to show that than to smudge a little eye black on, or paint your entire face with unwavering spirit. I suggest using at least two hues in order to best portray exuberance, and if you are feeling especially artistic–maybe even paint yourself as the mascot of a favorite team or make your entire head look like a baseball! I do warn all readers not to attempt the latter two unless there is complete faith in one’s artistic ability. The last thing you want to do is show up looking like a six-year-old that was drug to the carnival by their “fun” aunt.

 

2. Bring an air-horn.

Nothing says “I support the team” like an air-horn. At my graduation, the only thing I wanted more than the actual diploma, was my family to blast an air-horn as I walked in. It’s a nice subtle way to echo encouragement and endorsement of a particular person, accomplishment, or opportunity. As you wait in a sea of other human beings clawing their way through long winding lines–blast your horn proudly, and without saying a word–pledge your allegiance to a job in sports marketing.

3. Don’t share your secrets.

If someone is interested in sports marketing, then they are probably competitive. They want to steal any opportunity to be the best. I experienced some of this deplorable behavior myself. While waiting in line, I was asked by another applicant what my story was. So, as a young naive chick-a-dee I told him. When we finally got to the front of the line to talk to the recruits, that jerk used every one of my interesting facts as his own. All I was able to say when they turned to my sorry butt was that I was from Iowa and I really like braces. So heed my warning, don’t share the wonderful fun facts about yourself with anyone other than prospective employers!

5. Work a ton of  “sport’s cliches” into your speech.

There is a reason it’s a cliche. It’s brilliant. So use it, and use it a lot. Call yourself a ‘team player’ and emphasize that you always thank God first, and how badly you want to go to Disneyland. They will see that you were born to do this and that you could be their spark plug that silences all critics.

4. Make a couple bets.

If you don’t walk out of there with a job (you probably won’t) then walk out of there with twenty bucks. A sports marketing career fair is the perfect place to put some dough down on a team, whether or not someone will faint at the fair, or how long it will take to get to the front of the line from the back. The people at these fairs will surely take you up on your offer, and you probably have a better chance winning a bet than you do landing a job.

 

Wanna Know What It’s Like to get Motion Sickness for 8.5 Hours?

I used to travel by plane a lot as a kid. My dad was in the military, so he used to let me fly in those crazy cool fighter jets. Just kidding..that would have probably been illegal. However, we did fly quite a bit–commercial–like good civilians. And holy cow did I love it. Whenever we decided to go anywhere, I was always team airplane.

 

Unfortunately, as I grew up into a young woman, I had an increased sensitivity to flying. The first time that I got motion sickness I was on my way back from Chicago to Minneapolis with my high school choir. I was sitting next to a lady I didn’t know, and threw up into one of those tiny bags with the friendly sayings on them. She was incredibly grossed out, and moved from her seat–so I bolted for the bathroom. They wound up landing the plane, and wouldn’t move it to the gate until I got out of the bathroom, but I couldn’t stop throwing up and my weak little puke legs couldn’t carry my weak little puke body away from that precious toilet. Eventually my choir teacher carried me out, and we were able to make our way to the gate. And thus it began.

A nice example of a puke bag from Adria Airways

 

Since then I have battled valiantly against this awful monster, and usually I overcome this devilish sorcery. Until yesterday. I threw up a total of five times over the course of 8.5 hours. It sucked. At some points, I even wished that the plane would just go down and end my misery. But, I know that you would all miss me too much.

 

So anyway—on what I think was yesterday (crossing through time zones has destroyed my concept of time) the day was beautiful. There was sunshine cutting through the white pearls in the sky and a breeze spread across the land like a man watching his cholesterol smearing butter thinly on wheat toast. My boyfriend was dropping me off at O’Hare, and I was about to spend a couple months in Prague! Hurá! But just as my celebratory phase was igniting, horror was creeping slowly behind.

I went through security, was harassed and felt stupid in front of TSA, and finally stumbled upon my flight…a Polish airline service. And yes, everything was in Polish…or sort of English. So, I boarded my flight (an hour and a  half later than I was supposed to), nodded while smiling at everyone that tried to talk to me in a language I couldn’t even begin to understand, and then plopped down in my seat between two Polish men speaking very excitedly about something. I popped a dramamine and got ready for take off. My girl Barbara captured my feelings at that moment pretty well in her 1965 hit album:

About thirty minutes into the flight, I started feeling shake-y, weak, and sick. Of course, that’s when the food came around. (Which is what I was most excited for on this international flight.) So I slowly attempted to eat. My shaking hands brought tiny flakes from a bread roll to my shaking lips. The two Polish men on either side of me continued their excited chatter. I continued coaxing myself out of puking everywhere, but to no avail. My mouth got dry, goosebumps peaked all over my body, and I reached for a friendly vom-bag. The last American coca-cola and McDonald’s that I would enjoy splattered into the convenient sack AND THE TWO POLISH MEN KEPT TALKING IN AN EXCITED TONE. I pushed one of them to the side and continued puking in the bag while I waited for a six year-old boy to do God only knows in the bathroom. So there I stood, hurling in front of forty or fifty Polish men, women, and children waiting for toilet, trash, and a sink. This was the start of my international adventure.

zakładam się ona miała ryba
(I bet she had the fish…In Polish…according to Google Translate)

 

 

How Do You Know You Are Ready (and how to deal when you aren’t)

So you started dating someone, and it’s been going great, and you feel like this person might be around for the long haul. Everything is pretty perfect, until you go back to their place one night after going to [insert large meal that disagrees with your butt hole.] Sure, you’ve met your bae’s parents, but are you really ready to poop around them? Here are three signs that you can go ahead, pull down your duds, and colour the porcelain with the colon crayon.

 

1. You have conversations with them while they are in the bathroom with the door shut.

Sure, they are getting ready for work, but why does the door have to be shut? Chances are that they feel confident enough to sneak a poop in around you and talk to you while doing so. This is a sure sign that your partner can acknowledge that you too have basic digestive needs.

2. Farts are funny.

We all remember that time that we and the love of our life got into that adorable tickle fight, and we all try to suppress the horror that squeaked out when we started laughing too hard. I know it was frightfully embarrassing, but do you bring it up now and laugh about it with your special someone? Is it something that you are comfortable making terrible jokes about and laughing hysterically at? If you hear a fart on television or in person do you both giggle like hyenas? If you and your partner are sharing in the humor that is farting, you are indisputably ready to poop in their presence.

3. You accidentally took a laxative mistaking it for your allergy medication. 

Ya, sure I guess you just have to be ready.

 

Not ready to poop in front of your partner? Don’t fret–here are some quick easy tips!

1. Watch your fiber intake. Avoid foods that will increase your…regularity.

2. Sneak poops in while your lover sleeps.

3. Turn the shower on while you are dumping. They won’t hear your grunts and splashes quite so well with some background noises. Then take a shower because pooping is gross, right?

4. Pretend you are seriously ill and have to go home (to your own private toilet)

5. Spray hairspray in the bathroom after pinching one off. The smell will evaporate in a chemical bath that wasn’t tested on animals.

Young White Mothers Love….

I was working an event at the bar I work at last weekend, and it just so happened that we were hosting a surprise party that a couple dozen young white moms threw together for a friend. They were all great–very friendly and very excited to be drinking. As I was mixing concoctions and listening to stories about toddlers pooping their pants, I couldn’t help but notice a few distinct patterns among all of these women. Below are my findings.

 

Grenadine

Holy buckets do these women love grenadine. I have never made more kiddie cocktails, dirty shirleys, or vodka sodas with a splash of this white woman nectar in my life. Don’t get me wrong, grenadine is by no means an odd thing to enjoy in a beverage, but I cannot fathom the amount of grenadine these women ingested. I actually started the night off with a full 64 oz bottle, and had to pop the top off another bottle to satisfy these ladies.

Talking About Their Alcohol Tolerance

Next to talking about their kids, these moms love talking about how much their alcohol tolerance has changed over the last few years. They start getting tipsy a few sips in and they won’t shut up about it. So then they order about twelve waters with lemon, down them, and order another drink. However, no matter how much water they sandwich into their drinking fiesta, they always wind up three sheets to the wind.

Hiring Photographers

I’m assuming you can name at least one mother that hired a professional photographer to capture their little angel’s first haircut. And sure, it was adorable and got a little under fifty likes on Facebook, but likes don’t make up for the cold hard cash wasted on a photo shoot.

Summer Shandy and Lemon in Everything

They love shandy, so why not add a little lemon to everything? These women would not stop talking about how delicious Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is. Never mind the potentially offensive logo because this stuff tastes like a ritzy summer brunch on a boat! So what happens if we don’t sport their favorite brew? Lots of lemon cutting. Lemons for water, beer, cider (ew?), vodkas, water, and more beer followed by more water.

Dancing to Michelle Branch

This Arizona native captured the hearts of a million moms. No doubt, this woman probably had an anthem that got these ladies through that college break-up with Chet (I assume every young mom dated a guy named Chet). No less, they could probably skip attempting to cut the rug to these mildly depressing songs. It kills the mood for everyone in the bar except for these hot mommas. Don’t believe me? I’ll leave you to listen to this upper as I close this post:

 

 

Best Bathrooms in the Midwest: Episode 1

 

After surviving an arctic camping trip in January, I stumbled across this exotic loo. Located in a small Caribbean cafe dubbed The Whistling Bird, this bathroom was a pleasant little treat.  My senses might be clouded after spending a few nights dumping in a coffee can, but I’d have to rate this bathroom a solid 9.3 on the scale. Upon entering, the heater was turned on full blast—keeping the toilet seat nice and toasty. The color scheme was loud, warm, and funky, and there is nothing quite as good as relieving yourself in an environment that is loud, warm, and funky.

Instead of the Planned Parenthood and varicose vein treatment ads typically taped to the stall door, this bathroom fashioned a travel opportunity for all of her visitors. Local mixologist, Jeff Rogers was offering an island-hopping experience on his personal plane! All you had to do was drop your business card in a nice little mason jar at the bar.

The sink was also quite the treat. The bathroom sinks in my own home aren’t this nice. It made me feel like I was washing my hands next to an exotic waterfall or something. In reality, I wasn’t. It was just water from the Gilbert water tower in Minnesota.

So, if you are traveling along I-90 and you enjoyed one too many Gatorades, don’t waste your time at a 7-11. Make sure to drain your main vein at this cozy little restroom–and maybe grab an order of crab cakes or jerk chicken.

---

 

THE BREAKDOWN:

Color Scheme: 9/10

Toilet Cleanliness: 9/10

Sink Cleanliness: 10/10

Plunger: 6/10

Temperature: 10/10

Privacy: 10/10

Smell: 10/10

X Factor: 10/10

SCORE: 9.3

How to Cheat Your Way Through Marathon Training

So you thought, “hey, I’d love to do that thing where the first guy that tried it out died.” Yes, you decided to run a marathon. *Pours some out for Phidippides.*The waivers, ridicules race fees, or fact that a lottery may or may not have dictated your participation in this personal Hell did not dissuade you. So you’re about to start training. That’s when you realize how egregious it is going to be.

Well, I’m going to go ahead and say that you are probably not going to follow that training schedule you have pinned to your refrigerator without discrepancy. First of all, why is it on your fridge? If I’m hungry, I’m usually in a selectively-blind hysteria. I can recognize chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, and leftover tacos from that time my parents visited me last week. That’s about it. So, if you’re anything like me when you get hungry–maybe find a new home for your running bible.

Now, even if you aren’t going to exactly follow aforementioned running bible, just like a regular bible–it’s good to have a copy of it floating around somewhere. You can reference it when you feel like you have lost your way. This is the first step to cheating your way through marathon training. If you have your weekly runs mapped out where any of your friends might happen to catch a glance of it lying around in your apartment and compliment you. They will credit you for more than you have accomplished. This is key.

Second step to cheating your way through marathon training is counting EVERYTHING as mileage. Walking up the stairs, traveling from your car to Real Chili, from you bedroom to the bathroom, EVERYTHING. Technically, if you moved your body 6-8 miles over the course of one day, you are fulfilling your obligation.

Third and final step of what you will hate yourself for on race day is to post about running everywhere. Think of witty and clever ways to sneak something into your fb status or tweet about that 17 mile run you “completed.” You want everyone and their dog to know that you have been accomplishing more than they ever dreamed. How does this help you cheat your way through training? You are creating an illusion that this is just an average day in the life. It isn’t. If you ran 17 miles, no matter how much you have been actually training, you aren’t posting statuses about it–you are probably rushing around trying to make up for the 3 hour chunk of your precious day that you lost because you decided that you liked torturing yourself.

So there you have it. I’m going to drink a beer and walk around my apartment for three miles. Go get ’em tigers.

 

5 Reasons Taco Bell is the Greatest

#5. Have you seen their prices?

Everyone loves cheap Mexican food. Why? Because it’s delicious, and the money you save on tacos, you can spend on margaritas. Of course, Taco Bell doesn’t have its liquor license, but who is to say you can’t pick up some tequila on the way home? The point is, when you don’t have to spend a ton of money on something delicious, it’s fantastic. Chipotle can go ahead and keep their ten dollar burrito, because I  like to pay in couch change whenever I can. There is a certain charm to spending under five dollars on a full meal that I never want to sacrifice. Also, the good ole ‘potle has been really pushing their wheat tortillas, and it feels like they are telling me I’m fat every time I order anything.

#4. One of their hot sauce packets wants to marry you.

Every relationship needs a little spice. You definitely want to be with someone hot. And if you ever get too sauced, you want someone who has been there before, and will take good care of you. So when a hot sauce packet from Taco Bell asked for my hand, I went ahead and ate it all up.

#3. Instagram straight Mexin’

Go ahead and follow Taco Bell on your instagram right now. Did it? Great. Welcome to the world of vintage looking tacos and burritos. #Throwbackthisdelicioustacothursday. So, enjoy perusing delicious food and hot people promoting aforementioned food on your Instagram account: the most mobile social media app. How wonderful that Taco Bell photographs are so conveniently accessible? You might even go so far to say  it’s good to go.

#2. That Taco Bell Dog (pour some Baja Blast Mtn. Dew out for ya boi)

Yo quiero Gidget back. Better known as ‘that tiny rat-looking dog on Taco Bell commercials’, Gidget stole the hearts of millions with his freakishly large eyeballs and tiny shaking body. This pup wasn’t a one time superstar either. Gidget nailed the role of any Chihuahua in North America during her short lifespan. She was featured as “Bruiser’s Mom” in Legally Blonde 2, and a couple GEICO commercials (no, not as the gecko). When this little canine passed, Taco Bell even released an official statement of their condolences. She made quite the impact, and her legacy continues to grow.

#1. B-Fast

Thousands of guys named Ronald McDonald are into it, and so am I.